More quotes that GOOGLE says are supposed to be funny and crazy some are some arent lol

The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong,is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair.
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
Douglas Adams

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order. Brian PickrellThere is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life. Frank Zappa

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. Phyllis Diller
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg. Samuel Butler
If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe. Carl Sagan
People used to explore the dimensions of reality by taking LSD to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird and they take Prozac to make it look normal.Bangstrom
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. Redd Foxx
Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it. Gordon R. Dickson
One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say. Will Durant
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it? Anonymous
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man. Socrates

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden. Eric Morecambe
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. Carl Gustav Jung
I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.Frank Zappa
If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work. Ogden Nash
Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification. Sir Karl Raymund Popper
Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously. Cincinnati Enquirer


There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.
W. C. Fields


Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do. Dale Carnegie
Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save. Will Rogers
In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.Dave Thomas
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives. Maurice Chevalier

The difference between genius and insanity is that genius has its limits.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invaribly they are both disappointed.
Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac. George Carlen
I can give you a definite perhaps.
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
Samuel Goldwyn
Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork? Stanislaw Lec
Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all other philosophers are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself.
Immorality: The morality of those who are having a better time.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
Henry Louis (H. L.) Mencken
There is a level of cowardice lower than that of the conformist: the fashionable non-conformist.Ayn Rand
A human being. . . An ingenious assembly of portable plumbing. Christopher Morley
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. Spike Milligan
Are you trying to tell all of us we have a bad signal-to-noise ratio? Heinlein
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her. Sacha Guitry
If you believe everything you read, better not read. Japanese proverb
Man can always be relied upon to exert, with vigour, his ... right to be stupidDean Koontz
Nature gave us one tongue and two ears so we could hear twice as much as we speak.Epictetus
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, 'If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion.' He said, 'Alright.... you're ugly too!' Rodney Dangerfield
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. William James
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Buy land. They've stopped making it.
In the first place God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.
Noise proves nothing - often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid.
Mark Twain